Vendrick's Salty Rampage
by EarthScraper
Summary: Because being Drangleic's equivalent of Santa sucks. Merry Soulmas! (Soulmas entry)


T'was the night before Soulmas and not an Undead stirred... except for that asshole Vendrick, moaning and flopping around as usual.

"DADDY!" Velstadt screamed from beyond the fog gate, "It's nearly Soulmas! You gotta get everyone the presents!"

Vendrick groaned. "No."

"B-But Daddy, you're basically Santa..." Velstadt cried.

"What, did the fucking beard give it away!? Well shit, looks like I gotta actually do something instead of fucking around in this crypt!" Vendrick boomed.

"Oh Daddy, yay!" Velstadt cheered. Another voice, far more sultry and sexy, emerged from the fog gate.

"Oh Ventdick, time for or annual groping session..." Nashandra whispered. "I ate a whole bucket of Oysters, just for the occasion, and I also brought-

"SILENCE WENCH!" Vendrick screamed as he shoved his head through the fog wall "I have little time for you sexual shenanigans and wenchiness, I must fly!"

"...I have the tuna and your heaviest boots." Shandra finished, biting her lower lip.

"I'll be five minutes."

Vendrick, dressed appropriately in his Santa suit and on his sleigh, driven by Adolph the Blue-Nosed Rapedeer, swerved uncontrollably, pissing Vendrick off as he wrote down shoddy letters to the general public of Dragon Lake.

"Oi! Stop fucking around, and head for Majula, I got a special delivery for the inhabitants..."

The first letter fluttered gently in the breeze, heading slowly towards the ground...

...And into the lap of the Emerald Slut.

"Dafuq? Who's this shit from?"

Shannalotte opened her letter, and it read;

_Dear Emerald Slut_

_Bear_

_Seek_

_Seek_

_Lest_

_Same shit, Different Day._

_Or Whatever since time is convoluted and all that jazz._

_King Mother Fucking Vendrick._

"Next stop, Harvest Valley!" Vendrick boomed, while tossing over a box, which then proceeded to land on the Stone Trader Chloanne's work of art, that skeleton foot she keeps carressing.

"Oh wow, for MEEE!?" The ditzy bitch drooled while opening the box, inside, a letter, reading;

_Dear Big Tits,_

_Your tits are so big, I just wanna motorboat them till my beard sheds._

_Your tits are so big, I just wanna sleep in your cleavage all day._

_Your tits are so big, I think about them while boning my Wife._

_But seriously, wear some fucking shoes, those bunions are making me feel sick._

_King Goddamn Vendrick._

Another letter flew softly in the winter wind, picking up specks of snow and ice on the way to the forlorn swordsman, Lucatiel of Mirrah.

Inside, a set of eye-liner and face powder, alongside a note.

_Dear Lucatiel,_

_Wear this to cover the half of your face that has rotted off. Ugly hoe hoe hoe!_

_King Freakin' Vendrick._

Letter after letter flew through the skies, each leaving a bitter taste in the mouth of the receiver. One such receiver was Raime, the Rebel.

_Dear Raime,_

_No one likes you._

_No one will ever like you._

_No one, not even that fucking chosen Undead or Cursed or whatever the fuck he is._

_I laughed like a boss when Velstadt slapped his bell-end across your silly face and knocked you out._

_Stop poking me, and for the love of me, I won't accept your Farmville invites!_

_Fuck off, you rebel dick stain._

_Who's your daddy!?_

_NOT ME._

_King "I'm not your fucking daddy" Vendrick_

_P.S. You're adopted. _

"Curse him and his little cock sucker!" Raime screamed. "He'll pay for what he has done!"

"Raime? Are you angry again?" A voice called.

"No Mum! I'm not mad!" Raime replied.

"Young man, I heard you say the c word!"

"No Mum..."

"Get in here and clean your room!"

"God, FUCK YOU MUM, YOU NEVER APPRECIATE ME!"

"Well what's this now?" Sir Alonne questioned as the letter fell into his hand.

_Dear You,_

_Why does The Old Iron King's favourite knight (I.e. you) hate Soulmas?_

_Because he is forever ALONNE!_

_DOH-HO-HO-HO_

_Go kill yourself._

_King "Better then yours" Vendrick_

"Agh, this pain and insult! It's too much for me to bear!" Alonne cried, ripping his chest armour off him. "I have no choice, I must commit..."

He reached for his back pocket...

"SUDOKU."

Alonne cried out in pain as he digged his penknife into his chest, drawing numbers inside squares.

"Argh, at least, I fucking did the puzzle honourably..." he wheezed before his life came to a tragic end. Let this be a warning to you, reader, because Sudoku is fucking dangerous and will fry your brain.

DON'T DO IT.

Cries of displeasure and shock erupted from every corner of Drangleic, Vendrick's evil laugh echoing throughout the skies as he let rain pain and suffering and humbugs in the form of barely threatening letters and boxes.

The last letter, fell through the air towards a rather quaint house, on it's own, in the fields of snow and ice, and landed almost perfectly in the letterbox.

Somehow noticing, the occupier of the house ran out side, and put his fist through the box, ripping out the letter while practically ruining the letterbox to near uselessness.

The skeletal figure opened the letter with little care.

_Dear Caboose,_

_You are the biggest asshole on the planet. You filthy fucking immigrant, seriously, you should go back to Lordran where you belong, scum._

_You ruined my land._

_You ruined my Castle._

_You killed my son a few times._

_You gave my Waifu a new teeth job._

_AND YOU TOOK ALL MY CLOTHES._

_WELL ATLEAST YOU'LL NEVER FIND ME AT THE END OF THE UNDEAD CRYPT, SO THERE!_

_King Vendrick, the God of all things Badass._

"Success, Soulmas went off without a hitch!" Vendrick proudly announced with his family.

"Dad, you just screwed everyone over! You even screwed me over!" Velstadt wailed.

"Ah piss off, you're just like Raime, adopted and unwanted." Vendrick bit back "Ohh, sick burn."

"He's gonna need some Eleum Loyce for that."

"Indeed he i- Ah shite, Caboose!" Vendrick cried as he saw the skeletal figure in the doorway.

"Thanks for the letter, Merry Soulmas!" Caboose chirped.

"Well, you think I am scared of you and your Vanquisher's Seal after you got nerfed to the floor, hell nah! Right Nashandra?"

"Dead." Caboose answered. Vendrick looked to the side, and saw her bleeding out corpse.

"Ah. Velstadt?"

"Also dead."

"Ah."

"And Vanquisher's Seal? What are you, casul?" Caboose jeered as he flicked the now useless ring onto the floor. "Hell nah, I got these!"

He showed his hands, now covered with even more bone.

"Pfft, what are they gonna do, give me rabies?" Vendrick laughed. "Mind if I have taste?"

BAM! Caboose slammed his fist into Vendrick's jaw, sending him right into the roof. "Aw, piss." Vendrick sighed.

"Ha..." Caboose began, blue energy building up within his palms.

"Oh come on."

"Do..."

"Isn't this copyright infringement?"

"KEN!" Caboose screamed, a bolt of energy bursting from his palms, Vendrick disintegrating within seconds. Caboose quickly resumed his normal, boring stance, arms slumped by his side.

"Wanted a taste Vendrick?" Caboose jeered while whipping on some sunglasses.

"SHORYUKEN!"


End file.
